Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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