He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Randomize
