yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
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The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
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I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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