The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
