my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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