I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
