i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
