Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
