I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
