now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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