I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.