I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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