she woke up with a sticky ear
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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