I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
