You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
