You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
