I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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