Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.