Cold hands, warm shart.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.