im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
