now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
