just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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