i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
