the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
