I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
