I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
