sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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