ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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