glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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