don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Less talking, more tequila
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
