Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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