I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
