Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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