This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
