drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
