I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
COCAINE IS GR8
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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