Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
