My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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