Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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