Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
