if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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