You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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