my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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