According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
