Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
