I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
