I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
