so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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