Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
This house was built for laser tag.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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