you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
