The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
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He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
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I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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