you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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