she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
