my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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