You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
