How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
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I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
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Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize