if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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